Dear Martha Stewart,
Should I just call your Martha? Or Ms. Stewart? My husband always chastises me for using someone’s first and last name when I refer to them, but Martha Stewart just seems to roll off the tongue.
I digress. How are you? I just thought I would write you a quick note and ask a few questions. I happened to be on your website – lovely, by the way – and came across some photos of all of your homes. I was mostly interested in your first home, Turkey Hill. (By the way, is it important to name your home? Should I refer to my house as Maple Leaf? Or perhaps Raccoon Battleground would be more appropriate.) I was familiar with your home because I have read one of your unauthorized biographies. It was actually a very balanced view of you, and did not paint you to be a crazy psycho hose beast. So, score one for you.
I just had some questions regarding some of the things I saw in those photos. Let’s just dive in, shall we?
Are painting murals on the wall the new craze? It wouldn’t even by in my realm of possibilities for what to do with a wall. Call me crazy, but I thought murals were for kids rooms.
Also, I noticed you used the term “grisaille.” Am I supposed to know what that means? Maybe you should ask your website visitors to do a quick vocabulary tutorial before they visit your site. Just a tip.
Should I be referring to any sort of landscaping we do outside our home as “sculpting the land”?
At what point of my home ownership do you think it is important to build a chicken coop?
I came across this photo, and I was actually a little perplexed. You are wearing overalls. Martha, is that okay now? I mean, I personally don’t see anything wrong with overalls, but for someone that has amber and gold venetian candlesticks in their guesthouse, named Skylands (I mean, would you name YOUR guesthouse anything else?) the overalls seem a bit out of place.
I really only have one question: How do you f-ing do it?
Yes, “how do you f-ing do it,” is what I just wrote. And, I know, I used the term “f-ing” which isn’t even a proper word, more like a slang term of a curse word. But, there is really no other term that best describes my incredulousness of your life. You are pretty f-ing impressive. But, I bet you don’t get any f-ing sleep, or have any f-ing friends.
Oh, well. Give my love to your dogs and hens and things.
Love,
Brianne
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
My Morning Mayhem
Fall is here. I love fall. The leaves, football, Thanksgiving, sweaters that cover my unsightly pendulous belly, and the fact that Baby Sam is getting older and can sleep longer. In fact, I really cannot believe how fast time is flying. Our life seems very busy and it goes by in a blur.
My mornings are usually full of chaos – getting two kids, plus me ready to go for the day. I think it is going to take quite some getting used to. A sample morning involves Sam and Abe waking up at 5:45 a.m. (yay for the time change!), Abe wants to watch a show, and Sam wants to suck down a bottle like it’s no one’s business. By the time I get them downstairs and I get showered (lately with the help of Daddy, although he has to leave at 6:30), we get Abe fed. But then the craziness ensues where I have to tell Abe to stop jumping off the arm of the couch and across the room and he says, “You’re mean, Mama,” while Sam is simultaneously rolling around the floor and screaming because he cannot reach “Tiny Woody’s” hat, that if he does reach, he will probably put in his mouth and choke, while Ozzie is trying to sneak Abe’s peanut butter waffle without me seeing.
Then, there is actually getting the children into the car. This means I have to put shoes on Abe, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but by this time in the morning he has taken off his socks and placed them somewhere in the house. Lately, he has gotten good at remembering where he put them, because he knows I will ask for them. Then I have to load them in. This morning, I was a little lazy and left the door to the garage open, and guess who jumps in? Ozzie, that’s who. I played a five minute game of chase the dog around the car, as he jumped from seat to seat. Abe is laughing hysterically at this, and is more worried that Ozzie is going to eat his fruit snacks. For a fleeting moment I thought about giving up and letting Ozzie come with us, but then I was brought back down to reality when I thought about him peeing all over the new car that he would be locked in for 8 hours. Baby Sam is pissed that he is strapped into a carseat and tries to muscle himself out of its confines.
Finally, I get Ozzie out of the car, everyone buckled in and we are off. Almost every single morning I break a sweat. I am sure my story is no different than most mothers that have to take their kids to school, daycare, or wherever. But, it is just funny to me that five years ago I would NEVER have imagined that my mornings would be so crazy. I think about people that have peaceful morning routines – you know, wake up before the sun after a full night’s sleep, perhaps do a little yoga, sip a cup of piping hot java as the sun is rising, maybe catching the morning news or the morning paper. I want to punch those people in the face. There are times that I get to work and have a slight panic attack because I may have forgotten to put my makeup on (you don’t want to see that), or there is baby puke on my sweater.
But, this is my life now. And, maybe I can look at it another way and think of how lucky I am that I can spend these moments with my children. Or, I can say, “Wow! I am kick ass! I have fed two kids, dressed two kids, and wiped two butts all before 7 a.m.!” Regardless, I have learned that being a Mama is the hardest, thankless job in the world. I am totally wondering when my performance evaluation is going to be, so I can get that raise that I was hoping for. But, I guess I get paid in tiny victories – like when Abe says, “Hey Mama- I love you,” for no reason, or when Sam says “Mamamamamama” (he totally did, by the way.) And, like Jake and I keep telling each other – we need to live in the NOW! This will be over too fast. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
My mornings are usually full of chaos – getting two kids, plus me ready to go for the day. I think it is going to take quite some getting used to. A sample morning involves Sam and Abe waking up at 5:45 a.m. (yay for the time change!), Abe wants to watch a show, and Sam wants to suck down a bottle like it’s no one’s business. By the time I get them downstairs and I get showered (lately with the help of Daddy, although he has to leave at 6:30), we get Abe fed. But then the craziness ensues where I have to tell Abe to stop jumping off the arm of the couch and across the room and he says, “You’re mean, Mama,” while Sam is simultaneously rolling around the floor and screaming because he cannot reach “Tiny Woody’s” hat, that if he does reach, he will probably put in his mouth and choke, while Ozzie is trying to sneak Abe’s peanut butter waffle without me seeing.
Then, there is actually getting the children into the car. This means I have to put shoes on Abe, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but by this time in the morning he has taken off his socks and placed them somewhere in the house. Lately, he has gotten good at remembering where he put them, because he knows I will ask for them. Then I have to load them in. This morning, I was a little lazy and left the door to the garage open, and guess who jumps in? Ozzie, that’s who. I played a five minute game of chase the dog around the car, as he jumped from seat to seat. Abe is laughing hysterically at this, and is more worried that Ozzie is going to eat his fruit snacks. For a fleeting moment I thought about giving up and letting Ozzie come with us, but then I was brought back down to reality when I thought about him peeing all over the new car that he would be locked in for 8 hours. Baby Sam is pissed that he is strapped into a carseat and tries to muscle himself out of its confines.
Finally, I get Ozzie out of the car, everyone buckled in and we are off. Almost every single morning I break a sweat. I am sure my story is no different than most mothers that have to take their kids to school, daycare, or wherever. But, it is just funny to me that five years ago I would NEVER have imagined that my mornings would be so crazy. I think about people that have peaceful morning routines – you know, wake up before the sun after a full night’s sleep, perhaps do a little yoga, sip a cup of piping hot java as the sun is rising, maybe catching the morning news or the morning paper. I want to punch those people in the face. There are times that I get to work and have a slight panic attack because I may have forgotten to put my makeup on (you don’t want to see that), or there is baby puke on my sweater.
But, this is my life now. And, maybe I can look at it another way and think of how lucky I am that I can spend these moments with my children. Or, I can say, “Wow! I am kick ass! I have fed two kids, dressed two kids, and wiped two butts all before 7 a.m.!” Regardless, I have learned that being a Mama is the hardest, thankless job in the world. I am totally wondering when my performance evaluation is going to be, so I can get that raise that I was hoping for. But, I guess I get paid in tiny victories – like when Abe says, “Hey Mama- I love you,” for no reason, or when Sam says “Mamamamamama” (he totally did, by the way.) And, like Jake and I keep telling each other – we need to live in the NOW! This will be over too fast. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Month Six
Dear Baby Sam,
Have I made the comment yet that your childhood is going faster than Lightning McQueen in the Piston Cup? I think it could be the fact that we now have two children to take care of (plus one dog, and ourselves) or maybe that we have been through this before? In a way it is good, because we get closer to you sleeping *soundly* through the night, and getting all of those teeth in. But, on the other hand, there are less days when you will let me rock you to sleep, and not throw temper tantrums because we put you in time out for saying “poopy diarrhea” multiple times at the dinner table (like someone else I know).
So, yes, your stubborn, little tooth that you have been teething for about half of your life, has finally come through. And, then, another one quickly followed, so now you have two teeth. I hate teething. I hate it so very much. And, I don’t think you are really such a fan.
Can we talk about your hair? You have quite a mane on your head, and quite frankly, I can't decide if it is completely freaking adorable or just completely freaking weird. Sometimes it looks like you have a middle-aged football coach's quasi-pompadour. It just sort of poofs out and sticks up. Abe totally rocked the comb over for awhile, but your hair just likes to fro out. Oh well.
You are a very passionate baby, as in, when we take Buzz Lightyear away from you passionately let us know that you did not like that. You are a busy, busy little man and anything I have in my hands, you want to hold. Anytime you are sitting in my lap, you are looking around and figuring out where you can escape to. You have already tried to dive off of the couch. You think you can crawl and walk. However, you are getting very close to crawling. You can get on all fours, rock, and even take one step, but then fall. I have to figure out what will truly motivate you to get to the other side.
All of this frightens me a bit. We thought Abe was pretty active, but I think you may be taking all of this to the next level. You may be our emergency room frequent visitor. (BLOOD PRESSURE RISING).
We have been trying desperately to get you into some sort of sleep schedule. You are a little difficult to work with because you are a bit stubborn, and when I attempt to let you cry, your blood curdling screams make me believe that you are losing a limb, so I cannot bear to hear them for more than five minutes. However, I think you just are very pissed, I mean passionate, and you know how to work it. You also are not really a fan of naps, unless we are holding you the entire time, and um, well, we just can't accommodate that. So, this sleep thing has been quite a process. I am hoping that next month I will have a better report.
Even though you make me wake up at times that I would rather be tucked warmly into bed, you blow little raspberries at me as if to say, "It's okay Mama, I am so cute, so you can't be mad that I am awake!" You smile and laugh so easily, even through your biggest tantrums or fussiness. You laugh hysterically at your brother Abe, ALL THE TIME. Lately when we give you a bath, you lay on your little chair with your hand outstretched under the running water. You stare at that water and don't move your hand the entire time. I like to think that you are passionately, savoring the beautiful, plentiful water. Just like I passionately, savor you, every single day.
Love,
Mama
Have I made the comment yet that your childhood is going faster than Lightning McQueen in the Piston Cup? I think it could be the fact that we now have two children to take care of (plus one dog, and ourselves) or maybe that we have been through this before? In a way it is good, because we get closer to you sleeping *soundly* through the night, and getting all of those teeth in. But, on the other hand, there are less days when you will let me rock you to sleep, and not throw temper tantrums because we put you in time out for saying “poopy diarrhea” multiple times at the dinner table (like someone else I know).
So, yes, your stubborn, little tooth that you have been teething for about half of your life, has finally come through. And, then, another one quickly followed, so now you have two teeth. I hate teething. I hate it so very much. And, I don’t think you are really such a fan.
Can we talk about your hair? You have quite a mane on your head, and quite frankly, I can't decide if it is completely freaking adorable or just completely freaking weird. Sometimes it looks like you have a middle-aged football coach's quasi-pompadour. It just sort of poofs out and sticks up. Abe totally rocked the comb over for awhile, but your hair just likes to fro out. Oh well.
You are a very passionate baby, as in, when we take Buzz Lightyear away from you passionately let us know that you did not like that. You are a busy, busy little man and anything I have in my hands, you want to hold. Anytime you are sitting in my lap, you are looking around and figuring out where you can escape to. You have already tried to dive off of the couch. You think you can crawl and walk. However, you are getting very close to crawling. You can get on all fours, rock, and even take one step, but then fall. I have to figure out what will truly motivate you to get to the other side.
All of this frightens me a bit. We thought Abe was pretty active, but I think you may be taking all of this to the next level. You may be our emergency room frequent visitor. (BLOOD PRESSURE RISING).
We have been trying desperately to get you into some sort of sleep schedule. You are a little difficult to work with because you are a bit stubborn, and when I attempt to let you cry, your blood curdling screams make me believe that you are losing a limb, so I cannot bear to hear them for more than five minutes. However, I think you just are very pissed, I mean passionate, and you know how to work it. You also are not really a fan of naps, unless we are holding you the entire time, and um, well, we just can't accommodate that. So, this sleep thing has been quite a process. I am hoping that next month I will have a better report.
Even though you make me wake up at times that I would rather be tucked warmly into bed, you blow little raspberries at me as if to say, "It's okay Mama, I am so cute, so you can't be mad that I am awake!" You smile and laugh so easily, even through your biggest tantrums or fussiness. You laugh hysterically at your brother Abe, ALL THE TIME. Lately when we give you a bath, you lay on your little chair with your hand outstretched under the running water. You stare at that water and don't move your hand the entire time. I like to think that you are passionately, savoring the beautiful, plentiful water. Just like I passionately, savor you, every single day.
Love,
Mama
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Getting my mind righter
Apparently, according to Jake, I did not make my P90x blog funny enough. It has only been our third day in a row, and we are already yelling at each other. And of course yelling at D-Bag Tony Horton,and the other "X-ers" that are doing it with him. Each DVD has a different gang of people and I hate them all.
On the plyometrics workout there is one guy that has one leg. And he is doing plyometrics which is jumping. He is better than us, and Tony lets us know that. "Look at that guy. He only has one leg!" There is also some guy that looks like he is from Waterworld (according the Jake). Jake hates him a lot. The woman on that one isn't so bad, but Tony keeps calling her "Blam" and her name is Pam, because he thinks he is soooooooooooo funny.
Here are some of Jake's favorite Tony quotes:
"Like a pterodactyl backing out of trouble"- naturally, he is describing arm circles.
"You should see me playing hoop after a few weeks of these"- he talks about playing hoop a lot. I am sure that everyone loves playing hoop with him.
"It's a water break, don't go in the kitchen and eat a pastrami sandwich"- or insert any other bad food that you would typically not eat during a water break of any workout that you would do.
Hopefully that does it some more justice. I promise I will stop talking about it now.
On the plyometrics workout there is one guy that has one leg. And he is doing plyometrics which is jumping. He is better than us, and Tony lets us know that. "Look at that guy. He only has one leg!" There is also some guy that looks like he is from Waterworld (according the Jake). Jake hates him a lot. The woman on that one isn't so bad, but Tony keeps calling her "Blam" and her name is Pam, because he thinks he is soooooooooooo funny.
Here are some of Jake's favorite Tony quotes:
"Like a pterodactyl backing out of trouble"- naturally, he is describing arm circles.
"You should see me playing hoop after a few weeks of these"- he talks about playing hoop a lot. I am sure that everyone loves playing hoop with him.
"It's a water break, don't go in the kitchen and eat a pastrami sandwich"- or insert any other bad food that you would typically not eat during a water break of any workout that you would do.
Hopefully that does it some more justice. I promise I will stop talking about it now.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"Get your mind right"
I have been debating whether to post about this or not. Partly because it will hold me accountable, and partly because I am afraid I will get made fun of, or worse, silently judged. As in, you will never really tell me if you know this about me, yet you will never really look at me the same way. But, I think I will just swallow my pride and get it out there.
Jake and I have started to do P90X. We got a free copy of the DVDs on accident from a friend (I will not name you, unless you want me to) who they sent two to by mistake. It sounded very intriguing, and it promises great results. Plus, it is something that we can do from home, and as those of you parents out there know, it is tough to get out of the house with little ones.
A few weeks ago we popped in the first workout (chest and back). This workout consists of push-ups and pull-ups in a circuit for an hour. Jake got a little excited and went crazy. I don't know about you guys, but the last time I did a pull up was in college, and they were hard even then. I could barely do one. Two were out of the question. Well,the next day Jake could not even move his arms. He thought he did something very awful to them, and even went to see his school nurse. After many nights of icing, he was back to normal. Needless to say we abandoned the first try after only trying out three workouts.
However, we are back on the workout train again, and have started this week. Only 88 more days to go. I am still sore from Monday's workout, so I think it must be doing something. Hopefully, by the end, Jake and I will both be able to wear half tops around, because as you probably have guessed, wearing half tops is a life goal of mine.
I have to say that the dude who leads the workouts, Tony Horton, is quite a D-bag. Sorry, there is no other word for him. And, the more tired we get, the more we hate him. Throughout the workouts Jake and I talk about how we would totally kick his ass if we ever hung out with him. He has many memorable quotes and other d-baggy behavior that I was even thinking of starting a Twitter account to just record these.
So, anyways, we will let you know if this thing works. I think that more than anything, it will take our dedication to it (Decide. Commit. Succeed- Tony "D-bag" Horton). If I can do three pull ups by the end, I will call that a success. And, sorry, I hope you know I am kidding about the half tops. I am never baring my stomach in public ever again. However, I cannot speak for Jake.
Jake and I have started to do P90X. We got a free copy of the DVDs on accident from a friend (I will not name you, unless you want me to) who they sent two to by mistake. It sounded very intriguing, and it promises great results. Plus, it is something that we can do from home, and as those of you parents out there know, it is tough to get out of the house with little ones.
A few weeks ago we popped in the first workout (chest and back). This workout consists of push-ups and pull-ups in a circuit for an hour. Jake got a little excited and went crazy. I don't know about you guys, but the last time I did a pull up was in college, and they were hard even then. I could barely do one. Two were out of the question. Well,the next day Jake could not even move his arms. He thought he did something very awful to them, and even went to see his school nurse. After many nights of icing, he was back to normal. Needless to say we abandoned the first try after only trying out three workouts.
However, we are back on the workout train again, and have started this week. Only 88 more days to go. I am still sore from Monday's workout, so I think it must be doing something. Hopefully, by the end, Jake and I will both be able to wear half tops around, because as you probably have guessed, wearing half tops is a life goal of mine.
I have to say that the dude who leads the workouts, Tony Horton, is quite a D-bag. Sorry, there is no other word for him. And, the more tired we get, the more we hate him. Throughout the workouts Jake and I talk about how we would totally kick his ass if we ever hung out with him. He has many memorable quotes and other d-baggy behavior that I was even thinking of starting a Twitter account to just record these.
So, anyways, we will let you know if this thing works. I think that more than anything, it will take our dedication to it (Decide. Commit. Succeed- Tony "D-bag" Horton). If I can do three pull ups by the end, I will call that a success. And, sorry, I hope you know I am kidding about the half tops. I am never baring my stomach in public ever again. However, I cannot speak for Jake.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Month Five
Dear Sam,
I promise I will get back on track with these things. There should be a graph made that shoes the correlation between having multiple children and blog posts decreasing.
Anyways,yes, you are only five months old even though you wear nine month sized clothing. You are a big boy. Your cheeks are extra chubby and I thoroughly enjoy them. Everyone thinks you look just like Abe, but I do not think so. While Abe had some chubby cheeks, yours are WAY chubbier.
So, this month a lot happened. You were baptized, first of all. And, it was quite a celebration! Lots of family, friends, and food. And, of course your debut in a white outfit with a crazy hat that we did not make you wear in public. You were a good boy at the Church -- you ate, burped, and pooped in just the short time that we were there. Your hair was banging that day. Everyone thought we put product in it,but I think it was just the baby oil from your cradle cap.
You are a very active little guy. In fact, I am becoming a bit alarmed. You have already tried to crawl. You can get up on all fours and rock, but when you try to take one step, you sort of fall down. But, that does not stop you from getting to where you need to go. You are very determined to move, so you basically just throw your body around and reach your arms to get around. It is quite impressive. I am sure this is just a preview of what is to come, and every once in awhile I have visions of you jumping from the top of the stairs or climbing on the counters into the cabinets (hey, I did it too).
We have just started giving you cereal. I think you like it okay -- you are more interested in the bowl. Why mess with this spoonful crap, when I can have the entire bowl? I am pretty sure you would try to eat a hamburger if it was in front of you. I don't think we will have a problem with you being a picky eater.
I really like watching the way you and Abe interact. Even though you are still little, you already love your big brother. Your eyes follow him around a room when he is in there, you love playing with his big Buzz Lightyear (okay, more like "banging on it"), when he says the word "PORK!" you laugh so hard. I wasn't sure how it would all work out between the two of you -- especially how Abe would treat you and what he would think of you. But, I think you are pretty lucky because Abe seems to like you okay. I think that you guys will do a good job taking care of each other when you get older, and for a Mama, I don't think you can ask for much more.
Love,
Mama
(PORK!)
I promise I will get back on track with these things. There should be a graph made that shoes the correlation between having multiple children and blog posts decreasing.
Anyways,yes, you are only five months old even though you wear nine month sized clothing. You are a big boy. Your cheeks are extra chubby and I thoroughly enjoy them. Everyone thinks you look just like Abe, but I do not think so. While Abe had some chubby cheeks, yours are WAY chubbier.
So, this month a lot happened. You were baptized, first of all. And, it was quite a celebration! Lots of family, friends, and food. And, of course your debut in a white outfit with a crazy hat that we did not make you wear in public. You were a good boy at the Church -- you ate, burped, and pooped in just the short time that we were there. Your hair was banging that day. Everyone thought we put product in it,but I think it was just the baby oil from your cradle cap.
You are a very active little guy. In fact, I am becoming a bit alarmed. You have already tried to crawl. You can get up on all fours and rock, but when you try to take one step, you sort of fall down. But, that does not stop you from getting to where you need to go. You are very determined to move, so you basically just throw your body around and reach your arms to get around. It is quite impressive. I am sure this is just a preview of what is to come, and every once in awhile I have visions of you jumping from the top of the stairs or climbing on the counters into the cabinets (hey, I did it too).
We have just started giving you cereal. I think you like it okay -- you are more interested in the bowl. Why mess with this spoonful crap, when I can have the entire bowl? I am pretty sure you would try to eat a hamburger if it was in front of you. I don't think we will have a problem with you being a picky eater.
I really like watching the way you and Abe interact. Even though you are still little, you already love your big brother. Your eyes follow him around a room when he is in there, you love playing with his big Buzz Lightyear (okay, more like "banging on it"), when he says the word "PORK!" you laugh so hard. I wasn't sure how it would all work out between the two of you -- especially how Abe would treat you and what he would think of you. But, I think you are pretty lucky because Abe seems to like you okay. I think that you guys will do a good job taking care of each other when you get older, and for a Mama, I don't think you can ask for much more.
Love,
Mama
(PORK!)
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